Lying to Ourselves:
When We Don’t do What we Said we Would
A really important part of my healing journey was the recognition that I was incapable of sticking to anything I had set for myself. I said I would wake up at a certain time, that I would go to see a friend, that I would start arriving early for work. They nearly all went unmet. I couldn’t even rely on myself to tell people how I was really feeling or what I wanted. I would bat off questions like ‘how are you?‘ with an ‘I’m fine‘, knowing damn well I had spent the previous night crying. Or if someone asked ‘do you want to do [insert activity]?‘ I would blindly say ‘of course‘, knowing I didn’t want to and potentially planning to not even go as I was telling them what a great idea it was. I saw this as being an amiable, flexible person, not being disagreeable or wanting to cause upset. The result, a whole heap of people pleasing to uncover and work my way through.
Some things I could be relied on for, turn up to work, help a friend in need, babysit for a family member. But I can guarantee you they were likely being met because someone else was relying on me to keep my promise. I seemed incapable of ever meeting the promises that I had set for myself. Sometimes maybe it was a herculean task set in an unrealistic timeframe, but ultimately I didn’t value myself enough to show up for myself.
It has an impact though, saying you will do something and then not doing it, where others are involved you may be labelled ‘flaky‘ or not trusted with responsibility even seen as disingenuous. Well the exact same thing happens to our internal dialog, we don’t really believe that we will do what we say we are going to do and thus the mistrust seeps in. Our relationship with ourself spirals and we become more disconnected from our body and purpose than ever before. My years of lying to myself led to panic attacks, high grade anxiety and depression. It was a slow journey, but I as I learned how important it was to be honest with others I also began to recognise just how important it was to become honest with myself.
Action Step:
This is not a process that is done overnight, there will be slips and missteps, there will be belief that you were acting in complete honesty only to look back and recognise where the deceit crept in. As with all things, it is necessary to start small and include a little reflection time. At the end of the evening have a look back on your day and consider where you may have set a task too large, how many times you decided to do something only to become distracted or avoidant, if you were honest with yourself and with others. This isn’t to turn us into productivity machines, it is ok to be slow and steady and purposeful, it is about uncovering the inner dialog and our actions. Are they aligned? Or are we merely living in a fantasy land?
