How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment in your relationship is often rooted in

1. Being a people pleaser

2. Unwillingness to express your needs

3. Being fearful of setting boundaries

4. Low self worth

5. Over-valuing the importance of another person to your internal happiness

6. Not knowing how to hold difficult conversations

7. Thinking that an honest conversation will lead to the end of a relationship

8. Not being honest about what you want and what you want in a partner/friendship

Ok, harsh reality moment here. I speak to so many people about how they have become resentful in relationships because they feel they have been taken advantage of- often toward the end of a relationship. They say about how people expect too much of them, all the things they have done for the other person and how little the other person has done for them. At no point do they speak about how they have communicated in the relationship. With a little digging it becomes very apparent that they are unwilling to express their needs or wants within the relationship- from choices about dinner, to how the relationship actually looks. They place emphasis on how the other should be behaving without taking any accountability for how they, themselves, are showing up.

There are many reasons why we may be unwilling to express ourselves honestly and the root of it is often low self worth and a fear of saying how we are really feeling because we believe we will lose a romantic partner or friendship, also rooted in the idea that we will not be ok on our own. We take the short term relief of agreeing with someone over the inevitable long term result of resentment and a fractious relationship.

It is time to get brave, get honest, and take action through communication. Your first step is to actually uncover what you want, really want. If you are in a relationship that is casual but deep down you want a committed relationship you must learn how to communicate this. And not in a moment of anger. So much is said in arguments because we feel less able to control the words that come out of our mouths, ironically this happens because for so much of the relationship you are likely strictly controlling what you say- far more than you potentially should be.

We also wait to be asked a specific question- and if it isn’t asked our defence is that they never said anything. If it is playing on your mind it is your responsibility to vocalise it- even if you weren’t asked, even if you aren’t comfortable.

I see so many people constantly looping on the same points in all there relationships and they would rather walk away from the situation then face the difficult conversations. Healing doesn’t work that way, it will ask a lot of you, constantly pushing you to do the next uncomfortable thing and unless you are willing to act you will stay stuck. And there is no worse place to be then the one you’ve always kept yourself in.